What Made Us Split: Lessons from a 15-Year Relationship of Narcissistic Abuse

I was trapped in a web of manipulation and emotional abuse for 15 years, a relationship that started as an online connection and evolved into a toxic marriage. The person who was once my online best friend turned out to be a narcissist, abusing me in countless ways, from mental and emotional manipulation to outright lies and betrayal. It took me until I was profoundly drained and verbally belittled for being autistic and non-binary to finally realize the gravity of the situation and decide to end the relationship.

The Early Signs and the Loyalty Trap

From the start, there were warning signs. He would always have his ways of mentally draining me. This included forcing one of my closest friends to hack into my account and spread negative comments about me, belittling me for my identity as an autistic and non-binary individual, and putting me and my Irish online friend under immense pressure. He also encouraged me and my friend to block him on everything multiple times. Additionally, he threatened and abused my girlfriend and her children, and then twisted my words to make me appear at fault. Despite my objections, he idealized himself as the best friend and attempted to romanticize the idea of a relationship with me, all the while blaming me for his mood swings and manipulative behavior. He gaslighted me and created a smear campaign against me when I confronted him about his actions, sending him into a narcissistic rage. He even tried to ruin my romantic relationship and used me as a supply of manipulation, telling me that my 'skin was thinner than paper.'

It was only after I learned that for three years he dehumanized and wanted to destroy me, while I supported him unconditionally, that I finally understood my worth and the toxic nature of the relationship. Narcissists will never truly care about others; their primary goal is to evoke a reaction from you. You are to blame for their behavior, not the other way around. It is crucial to recognize that if you find yourself in the same situation, it is not your fault. Do not apologize for standing up to their manipulation and gaslighting.

A Loveless Marriage and a Failed Dream

After five years of marital life and the birth of two children, my husband’s true nature emerged. He worked tirelessly to avoid financial responsibility, accusing us of having no money despite the exorbitant costs of our children’s schooling. Our dreams of building our dream home together were shattered as he took us to Dubai under pretenses of earning tax-free income. However, he continued to claim we were broke, citing the expensive education as the cause.

Back in Dubai, he ‘accidentally’ got me pregnant with our third child. As a strong supporter of breastfeeding, he knew I wanted to breastfeed our children for at least two years. Soon after, he was offered a job in Saudi Arabia and left me pregnant. After 18 years, and just as I began to secure a job in my profession, he revealed that he never loved me and was not willing to work on developing feelings for me. I spent six months crying, but the positive aspects were our new job and an appreciation for the beauty of Saudi Arabia shared with our youngest child.

Seeking to broaden his horizons and secure a new international business opportunity, he moved to Canada, taking our three children with him, placing each in a different North American country. With no choice, I resigned to get to our youngest in Florida, where he was emotionally struggling. Upon my return, I faced further abuse, including non-payment of his children’s school fees. This only led to my resignation to return home and hope that others would join us. Three months later, I was in a near-fatal car accident, resulting in a year-long recovery.

The Cold Truth and the Path Forward

Through therapy, I came to understand that my husband was either a narcissist psychopath or sociopath. Only later did I confirm he was a narcissist, someone who refuses to care about others and instead wants a reaction from them. His betrayal and abuse left me with no other choice but to take these lessons and use them to warn his current wife, who had started to believe me until he sent her a letter of abuse. It's a testament to the resilience of true friendships that I have learned who my true friends are, and I am here to support her whenever she needs me.