Dealing with a Narcissist Partner’s Reaction to Your Serious Illness

Living with a suspected narcissist as a partner can be particularly challenging, especially when facing a serious illness such as cancer. While your partner may initially display some concern, the reality may be quite different. This article explores the typical behaviors and attitude of a narcissist towards a partner diagnosed with cancer and provides valuable guidance on how to protect yourself.

Expected Behavior from a Narcissist Partner

When a partner with suspected narcissistic traits is informed of your serious illness, such as cancer, they might initially pretend to care, making a show of their supposed love and concern. However, this display of emotion is often superficial and short-lived. You can expect them to remain emotionally detached and nonchalant about the situation, showing minimal genuine empathy. This behavior is a common characteristic of individuals with narcissistic traits.

For instance, my friend had a partner who was diagnosed with seizures. During one particularly bad episode, the partner slashed her hand and didn’t even help her wash it. Instead, he showed no signs of care, no concern, and certainly no emotional response. When he used to give me cranial massages, it was just an excuse to brag to his friends about how he controlled my “seizures.”

Therefore, while your partner might express their concerns in public, they are likely to remain distant during private moments. As soon as you are alone, you won’t find them providing the necessary support that you need. However, when you are in company, they may act loving and caring, but this is all an act. True empathy and genuine concern are not real attributes of a narcissist.

Value-Grabbing Manipulation

In an attempt to secure their share of your assets, a narcissist may manipulate you into taking certain legal steps such as setting up a will, designating them as your personal representative, and giving them power of attorney. This is their way of ensuring that they have control over your assets and your healthcare decisions. They might take you to an attorney to update your will and appoint them as your health care surrogate, thereby controlling all aspects of your life and death.

One key reason for this behavior is to prevent any other family member or loved one from gaining any future benefits from your estate. They might want the power of attorney in case of your incapacitation, so that they can manage your financial and medical affairs. While this can provide temporary benefits, it’s crucial to recognize the underlying manipulative motives.

It is therefore crucial to avoid these suggestions and refuse any such actions proposed by your partner, as they are attempting to exploit your situation for their personal benefit. They may use your cancer diagnosis to garner sympathy from others, and if they are covert narcissists, they might revel in the attention and pity you receive. However, their underlying motive is to take advantage of the situation and ensure their own benefits.

Empathy in the Absence of a Narcissist

Narcissists can lack true empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. An estimated 4% to 6% of the general population suffers from what is referred to as malignant narcissism, a severe variant of narcissism. In the context of a serious illness, a partner with this trait may see it as a distraction from their own interests and priorities.

For example, a partner with cancer might leave their partner with multiple sclerosis behind, as the latter’s condition may take up too much of the narcissist’s time and attention. Similarly, a partner with cancer may use the diagnosis to gain sympathy for themselves, so it’s difficult to predict the behavior of a pathological narcissist. However, it is highly unlikely that the narcissist will provide significant care or support, as their primary concern is their own interests.

To protect yourself, it’s crucial to maintain control over your legal and financial arrangements. Avoid agreeing to any changes to your legal status, such as appointing them as your personal representative, health care surrogate, or power of attorney. Instead, consider consulting an attorney to ensure your interests are protected. Additionally, strive to communicate openly with your partner about your health concerns and needs, while maintaining your independence and autonomy.

Conclusion

Dealing with a narcissist partner in the midst of a serious illness can be a complex and distressing experience. Most narcissists are not equipped to provide genuine care or empathy, and often use such situations for their own gain. It’s important to recognize their behavior for what it is and take steps to protect yourself legally and emotionally. By being proactive and assertive, you can ensure that your needs and wishes are respected, even in the face of a narcissistic partner.

For more help and support, seeking out a professional therapist can be highly beneficial. They can provide you with the necessary tools to navigate this challenging situation and regain a semblance of control over your life. Furthermore, joining support groups can offer you a community of individuals who have faced similar challenges, providing a sense of solidarity and understanding.

Remember, your health and well-being are paramount. It’s essential to take steps to protect yourself and ensure that your needs are met, even in the face of a narcissistic partner. With the right support and strategies, you can overcome the difficulties and begin the journey towards recovery and a more fulfilling life.