How Should Children of Same Sex Parents Address Their Parents?

Many families have evolved to differentiate between different grandmothers and grandfathers using a myriad of terms. For instance, we have Nana, Granny, Bamps, Grandpa, Grandad, and more. However, for children of same sex parents, this can present a unique challenge as they are often expected to address their parents using the same titles. But why is it so important for children to differentiate between their parents, and could it be possible to avoid confusion?

The Complexity of Addressing Parents

The assumption that it would be confusing for a child to call two parents 'mommy' or 'daddy' is a common one. However, this perspective overlooks the fact that many families have already found ways to address their own parents in a way that is comfortable for everyone involved. Each family has developed its own unique way of addressing their parents, and it is no different for children of same sex parents.

Examples from Reality

Take, for example, two of my former students with same sex parents. The first student referred to both mothers as 'mom' and 'mommy,' while the other used 'Debbie-mom' and 'Linda-mom.' Another student called his biological father 'dad' and his step-dad by his first name, but also referred to him as 'one of his dads.' This variety of terms used by these students shows that finding a solution that works for everyone is entirely possible.

Difficulties and Solutions

It's natural to worry that it might be confusing for a child to use the same term for both parents. However, just like calling grandmothers by different names, children can learn to differentiate between their parents using various terms. It's important for parents to consider the names that their children are comfortable with and to use those terms consistently.

Case Study: My Family's Journey

Let me share a personal experience. My daughter calls my partner ‘Mommy’ and me ‘Tooey.’ She also refers to both of us as 'mom' or 'mama' as needed. ‘Tooey’ was a family nickname for 'the second of the name,' and I found it cute and easy to pronounce. However, if she had preferred different terms, we would have went with whatever she picked.

My partner's mother chose 'Grammy' as her term of endearment, a decision also made by her family when addressing their own grandmothers. While my mother passed away before meeting this granddaughter, she still found a way to maintain a connection through the term 'Grandma' when addressing her other grandchildren.

Conclusion

Addressing parents is a significant aspect of family dynamics, and it can be challenging, especially for families with non-traditional structures. However, it is not impossible to navigate. By understanding the various terms used by other families and choosing what works best for your family, you can ensure that everyone feels respected and included. So, instead of seeing the challenge as a complication, embrace the opportunity to create a personalized and meaningful way of showing love and respect within your family.