How to Communicate That an Autistic Person Has Hurt Your Feelings Without Triggering a Meltdown

Understanding and communicating to an autistic person when they have unintentionally hurt your feelings can be crucial. Autism, like any other neurodevelopmental profile, comes with unique ways of processing and expressing emotions. Effective communication often requires clear, straightforward, and logical instructions to guide these individuals in understanding and addressing their impact.

Taking the Complimentary Approach

Firstly, it's important to recognize that autistic individuals didn't intend to hurt your feelings. When this happens, rather than feeling frustrated or insulted, it's best to engage in a calm conversation about what was said. Approach the person in a non-confrontational manner, explaining that while their words or actions might be unintentional, they have negatively affected you. Here's a suggested approach:

Sit down with the person in a good, stable mood. Begin the conversation by expressing your intention to discuss something important. Be specific and concise: 'I need you to stop comparing me to other women.'

Encourage the person to express what they had in mind or meant by their words. This allows for a mutual understanding and can prevent defensiveness. It's crucial to avoid extended discussions about your feelings. Instead, keep the conversation short and focused on the task at hand. This minimizes stress and potential meltdowns.

Direct Communication for Clarity

When it comes to personal boundaries and preferences, direct communication is essential. Autism often involves literal thinking and a need for explicit instructions. Here's how to set boundaries:

State your feelings clearly: 'I'm happy to sit next to you, but please don't do that. It isn't for me.' Explain why the behavior is problematic: 'It's not funny for me.' Reiterate your request: 'Please stop it. Otherwise, I will have to be less friendly.' Be assertive but calm: 'I asked you not to do that again. If you continue, it shows a lack of respect.'

By providing a structure and clarity, you help the person understand the impact of their actions and how to rectify them. Remember, repetition might be necessary to reinforce the request, but persistence without escalating tension will be beneficial.

Guiding Autistic Individuals Towards Emotional Awareness

For many autistic individuals, consciously recognizing when their actions hurt someone else can be challenging. This is why providing clear and positive feedback is crucial. Here are some guiding principles:

Be honest and direct: Let them know precisely what you need from them. 'Your behavior in this instance hurt me.' Offer specific explanations: Explain the exact action that needs to change. 'When you do X, it makes me feel Y. Can you try not to do X in the future?' Support them in finding alternative behaviors: Help them understand that they can still maintain their behavior but in a way that doesn't affect others negatively.

Autistic individuals often need clear rules and guidelines. Providing them with a set of expectations can lead to better behavior and a more positive relationship. Be patient and supportive in explaining things, as it might take time for the person to fully grasp and implement the changes.

Summarizing the Approach

Here is a simplified summary for effective communication:

Approach the situation calmly and with a clear intention. Be specific about what behavior needs to change. Explain the impact of the behavior in simple terms. Provide a clear directive and, if needed, repetition for reinforcement. End the conversation on a positive note, showing them that you are willing to work together.

By following these steps, you can communicate effectively with an autistic person, reducing the likelihood of misunderstandings and making the relationship more positive and harmonious.