Navigating Friendship with Borderline Personality Disorder: Tips for Managing Constant Drama

Dealing with a friend who has borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be challenging, especially when it comes to managing the constant drama. This article provides a guide on how to communicate your feelings and set boundaries with your friend, while maintaining a compassionate and empathetic approach.

Choosing the Right Time and Place

The first step is to find the right time and place for the conversation. Choose a calm and undisturbed setting where both you and your friend can talk without any distractions. Avoid raising this during a conflict or when emotions are running high. The environment should foster a sense of calm and openness, allowing both parties to express their thoughts and feelings without feeling attacked.

Using I Statements

When discussing your feelings, it's important to frame your statements in a way that focuses on your own experience rather than placing blame on your friend. For example, instead of saying, You always create drama, you could say, I feel overwhelmed by the constant drama. This approach can help reduce the defensive reactions from your friend and encourage a more collaborative conversation.

Being Honest but Compassionate

It's crucial to be honest about your feelings while also showing empathy for your friend's condition. Clearly express your concerns without judgment. You might say, I care about you, but I need to take a step back for my own well-being. This honest and compassionate approach can help your friend understand that you value the friendship while also addressing your needs.

Setting Boundaries

It's important to set boundaries on what you can handle. You could say, I need to take some time for myself, and I hope you can understand that. Setting clear boundaries can help both you and your friend understand the limits of your relationship and ensure that your well-being is not compromised.

Offering Support

If appropriate, suggest that your friend seek professional help from a mental health professional. Express that you want the best for them and that professional support can be beneficial. You might say, If it makes sense for you, I would encourage you to consider seeking help from a professional who can provide additional support.

Being Prepared for Reactions

Understand that your friend may react with strong emotions. Stay calm and listen but remain firm in your decision. Provide space and allow your friend to process their emotions. If needed, you can offer your support by saying, It's okay to feel upset, and I’ll be here to listen when you're ready to talk.

Following Up

After the conversation, check in on your friend if you feel comfortable doing so. Reinforce your willingness to support them while maintaining your boundaries. You might say, I hope you’re feeling okay, and I'm here to support you in any way I can. This follow-up can help reinforce the boundaries you've set while providing reassurance and support.

A Communication Style for Borderlines: SET Method

A communication style, especially when dealing with borderlines, is described in the book I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me by Susan Peck Min. The SET method represents Support, Empathy, and Truth.

Support

Start with a statement of support. Express something positive about the friendship and the value you place in your friend. For example, I value our friendship and the way you support me during tough times. This can help set a positive tone for the conversation.

Empathy

Next, express empathy by relating to the emotions your friend is experiencing. Use your previous experiences to understand and acknowledge the feelings your friend is going through. For example, I can understand how challenging this must be for you, and it’s okay to feel the way you do. This connection can make it easier for your friend to hear and process the next message.

Truth

This is where you provide a realistic and honest assessment of the situation. Describe what is troubling you and let your friend know what you want to have happen to meet your needs. You might say, I need to take a step back, and I want to understand if you are willing to do something specific to help our relationship. If your friend agrees, you can then state, In that case, I will do X to support us.

The Best You Can Do for a Borderline

To be of the most help to a borderline, you can be compassionate and truthful. If you have reached a point where you need to end the relationship or maintain strict boundaries, be clear and unwavering in your decision. Follow through with what you've communicated. Whatever you decide, ensure it is consistent and follows through on your word.

Remember, prioritizing your own mental health is crucial. Setting boundaries is a healthy step in any relationship. It's important to balance your emotional well-being with your commitment to your friend, ensuring that both of you can thrive.