Navigating the Turbulent Waters of Paranoia and Psychotic Episodes: A Personal Account

Scary as hell. I speak of a time I was lucky enough to be kept safe by someone who I miss dearly.

Coming round to a situation you have absolutely no idea as to how it came about is unsettling, especially when the events and reasons to why you find yourself in such a situation are told to you, and your denial and rationalisation is all you can cling to even when the evidence speaks for itself. In my experience, it's completely not a time you will remember; all you will remember is coming round and seeing carnage around you, along with not knowing what happened. If you are fortunate enough to have someone in a position to tell you what happened, and you are not thrown into a hospital, admitting the truth is beyond difficult, regardless of the evidence.

I can only tell you that a hotel TV was punched by myself because it was arguing with me. A black screen now as broken didn't stop it from arguing with me, so it was hit again. Believing that the room next door was creating me a pizza and they were beyond late, I demanded this with aggression, wanting to go completely naked and make my demands. Pulling wires out the wall, I still don't actually know why I broke my phone and all breakable objects in sight, for some reason or other. I was quite literally trying to give away and transfer all my hard-earned savings for no reason, wanting to go and make a commotion in public spaces, completely delusional in reasons as to my arguments while also being virtually naked, thank goodness I was stopped.

When I come round the next day, I am completely confused: What happened here? You ask who you are, with what happened, and they hold back the tears, completely dumbfounded, you have absolutely no clue. The time it's explained to you, you're forced to believe you may not be well, failing that, you rationalise what's happened, making excuses. Even though this person is giving you an account, knowing your average behavior, it's very difficult, frightening. Yet, the carnage and destruction is unquestionably real. If you are like me, it takes the whole day or much longer to completely rationalise and therefore dismiss what happened. I can't argue with the very much required actions to try and fix or hide what happened as a result. I can forget blaming it on XY or Z, hoping it doesn't happen again.

To this day, however, seeing a person who is nearly twice my size, who beyond question cared deeply for me, reduced to tears because they felt powerless and tried to keep my best interests at all times, so upset and shocked, it's the hardest thing to get over. I can continue to deny behavior that warrants a psychotic break and is fully delusional. I can't, however, deny the hurt and fear she felt that I did not want to ever cause.

In conclusion, it's like waking from a bad dream, you do not remember only to be told you were actively engaged and living out a bad dream in reality. The descent into madness we do not want or the hurt we caused while unwillingly psychotic with the actual financial implications are a dreadful lot to take in if you can.

It's a personal account that adds depth to our understanding of paranoia, psychotic episodes, and the mental health challenges faced by many. Mental illness is anything but fun, and this experience is a powerful reminder of the importance of empathy, understanding, and support in navigating the turbulent waters of mental health struggles.