Realizing My Autism: A Personal Journey of Rediscovery

In my mid-childhood, around the age of nine, I received my autism diagnosis. However, my journey to understanding my identity on the spectrum began much earlier, even as a toddler, when I started experiencing behavior problems that my mother first noticed during my fourth year of life.

It was only in my 30s that I first learned of the concept of adult autism through a relative of my husband’s. He was diagnosed at age 43, and his condition was not directly related to depression but rather a state of burnout. Initially, I was skeptical because I had never heard of adults being diagnosed with autism. This piqued my curiosity, and I started researching, searching for guidance on how to handle the situation when around him. Much to my surprise, I discovered that my husband shares many of the same traits as my relative, leading me to realize that my husband too may be on the autism spectrum. This revelation made perfect sense of his 'quirks' and, by extension, my own.

My notion of autism was rooted in media stereotypes and the widely acknowledged image of high-needs children. However, my research showed that for women, especially those who did not require learning assistance, autism was long ignored. Moreover, the way girls play and socialize differently, coupled with the tendency for adult women to mask their symptoms, made it far more challenging to identify and understand.

Understanding Myself Through the Years

My realization of being on the autism spectrum came much later in life, coinciding with various life experiences and epiphanies. From a very young age, I knew I was different, but the reasons remained elusive until I was 28 when I realized the traumatic impact of growing up with a mother who was a drug addict. This insight offered some clarity but still didn’t explain everything.

At 30, I discovered that I was exceptionally intelligent, which provided a new perspective. Yet, it still didn’t account for the myriad misunderstandings and challenges I faced. Finally, at 47, I stumbled upon the book ‘Thinking in Pictures’ by Temple Grandin. Reading it transformed my understanding, as I realized that not everyone thinks in terms of pictures or movies. This revelation finally explained many facets of my experiences and allowed me to make sense of my unique way of perceiving and interpreiting the world.

The Characteristics That Tipped Me Off

Over the years, certain behaviors and preferences consistently pointed to my being on the autism spectrum. Here are a few key characteristics that stood out:

I prefer solitude over large social gatherings. Crowded environments, especially with loud music or flashing lights, trigger physical discomfort. The sight of blinking lights causes physical distress. Group conversations make me uncomfortable; I prefer one-on-one or small group interactions. Engaging in meaningful conversations is more enjoyable than superficial ones. Understanding non-verbal cues and appropriate body language can be challenging. Choosing appropriate words can be difficult, sometimes leading to misunderstandings. I have unique interests that differ from the norm. Emotional self-regulation is sometimes lacking, leading to conflicts in maintaining friendships. Logical thinking is often preferred over emotional decision-making.

The combination of these traits, combined with personal experiences and insights, helped me understand and accept my autism as a part of who I am.

Conclusion

My journey in realizing my connection to the autism spectrum has been a profound one. From early childhood behavior problems to later years of self-discovery, each step has offered valuable insights into my identity and experiences. Understanding autism as an adult has not only validated my journey but also brought about a sense of acceptance and belonging.

If you or someone you know is struggling with similar challenges, it is important to seek out resources and support. Educating oneself about the spectrum and understanding the diverse ways it manifests can be incredibly empowering. Remember, every individual’s journey is unique, and embracing these diversities can lead to a more inclusive and accepting society.