The Covert Tactics Covert Narcissists Use to Reconnect with Their Victims: A Comprehensive Analysis

Covert narcissists are skilled manipulators who often use subtle and covert tactics to control and maintain their hold over their victims. These strategies can be difficult to perceive and therefore, harder to counter. In this article, we will explore the various covert techniques a covert narcissist and his 'flying monkeys' might employ to rekindle and sustain relationships. Understanding these tactics is crucial for maintaining healthy boundaries and protecting your emotional well-being.

Introduction to Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists, also known as covert or passive-aggressive narcissists, do not openly instigate their manipulation but use subtle and indirect methods. They typically hide behind a facade of normalcy and may even appear victimized to manipulate others into staying connected. Their covert strategies can be tagged as manipulative and emotionally draining, and recognizing them is the first step towards preserving a healthy emotional state.

Subtle Tactic 1: Guilt-Tripping

The technique of guilt-tripping involves the covert narcissist using subtle reminders of past sacrifices or hurt feelings to make their victim feel responsible for their emotional state. This can include bringing up long-forgotten incidents in casual conversations, making the victim feel guilty for wanting to distance themselves. This tactic creates an emotional burden that can lead the victim to re-engage out of a feeling of obligation.

Subtle Tactic 2: Feigning Victimhood

Feigning victimhood is another common strategy whereby the covert narcissist portrays themselves as a victim of circumstances or the victim of their victim. This can elicit sympathy, both from the victim and the wider social circle, which can pressure the victim to re-engage. Their portrayal of themselves as the victim can lead to a sense of obligation and guilt, compelling the victim to take action and reconnect.

Subtle Tactic 3: Using Mutual Connections: The Flying Monkeys

Covert narcissists often use their 'flying monkeys'—friends or family members—to reach out to their victim, sharing distorted narratives that paint the narcissist in a positive light. These connections encourage the victim to re-engage by painting a flattering picture of the narcissist and bending the victim to help reconnect. This strategy leverages the trust between these mutual connections to create pressure to re-engage.

Subtle Tactic 4: Nostalgic Reminders

Nostalgic reminders include bringing up cherished memories to trigger a longing for connection. The covert narcissist might reminisce about past experiences, good times, or shared moments to create a sense of loss and longing. This can create a strong emotional pull, making the victim yearn to reconnect and relive these positive memories.

Subtle Tactic 5: Inconsistent Communication: Hot and Cold Behavior

Hot and cold behavior involves alternating between being warm, engaging, and cold, distant. This creates emotional instability and can leave the victim feeling uncertain and off-balance. The uncertainty can be uncomfortable for the victim, facilitating more frequent communication and perhaps a return to the non-malignant aspects of the relationship.

Subtle Tactic 6: Subtle Compliments: Backhanded Praise

Backhanded compliments are a form of alternative manipulation. A covert narcissist might give a sarcastic or indirect compliment that implies they need the victim or are superior. This can make the victim feel valued but also draws them back into the relationship under the guise of reciprocation or reassurance.

Subtle Tactic 7: Creating Drama or Crisis

Creating or exaggerating a crisis that requires the victim's help is another common method. By positioning themselves as in need, the covert narcissist can exploit the victim's sense of obligation, guilt, or pity. This can create a sense of urgency and pressure to assist them, even if it means reengaging in the manipulated relationship.

Subtle Tactic 8: Social Media Manipulation: Public Displays

Social media can be a powerful tool for covert manipulators. Posting content that suggests they are struggling or missing the victim can prompt the victim to check in or reach out. This strategy leverages the reach and visibility of social media to maintain a continuous presence in the victim's life, making reconnection seem urgent.

Subtle Tactic 9: Offering Help or Support

Faux care and support can be implied under the guise of being helpful. The covert narcissist might approach the victim by offering to lend a hand, citing their own struggles as a means to draw the victim into a perceived mutual aid relationship. This can foster a false sense of camaraderie and mutual support, making it easier to re-engage.

Subtle Tactic 10: Gaslighting: Undermining Reality

Gaslighting is a manipulation technique where the covert narcissist confuses and undermines the victim's perception of reality. They might distort or deny past events or conversations to make the victim question their memory and mental stability. This tactic sows seeds of doubt and can force the victim to re-evaluate their memory, often leading them to reconnect to restore order to their skewed perception of reality.

Conclusion

Recognizing and understanding these covert tactics is crucial for maintaining healthy boundaries and protecting your emotional well-being. If you believe you are being 'hoovered' by a covert narcissist, it's essential to stay grounded in your feelings and remind yourself of the reasons for your distance. This awareness can help you navigate these manipulative strategies more effectively and safeguard your emotional health.