The Dark Reality of Covert Narcissists and Their Co-Dependent Allies

Understanding the dynamics of a covert narcissist can be crucial for individuals navigating complex relationships. A covert narcissist, often misguided as a well-meaning or caring individual, uses subtle methods to manipulate and control those around them. This article explores the potential outcomes and ramifications of being a co-dependent flying monkey in such a relationship, highlighting the hidden dangers and the importance of recognizing and detaching from these toxic dynamics.

Understanding Covert Narcissism and Co-Dependents

A covert narcissist is someone who exhibits manipulative behaviors but displays them in a more passive, indirect manner. While they may seem charming and caring initially, their true nature is manipulative and often exploitative. A co-dependent individual, often referred to as a covert-assertive or co-dependent flying monkey, is someone who consistently puts others' needs before their own, often to the point of self-sacrifice and detriment.

Common Outcomes in Covert Narcissist Relationships

The relationship between a covert narcissist and their flying monkey can have several potential outcomes, each with its own set of challenges and potential dangers:

Devaluation

Over time, a covert narcissist may begin to devalue their codependent flying monkeys. This can happen when the flying monkey fails to meet the narcissist's expectations or when the narcissist feels they no longer need the flying monkey for validation and attention. Devaluation can manifest as consistent negative comments, ignoring the individual, or finding new sources of supply.

Manipulation

Narcissists are skilled manipulators, often using their co-dependent flying monkeys as tools to further their own goals. If a flying monkey begins to assert independence or question the narcissist's behavior, they become a target for the narcissist's anger or manipulation. This manipulation can come in the form of guilt trips, invalidation, or subtle forms of control.

Projection

Covert narcissists often project their insecurities onto others. If a flying monkey exhibits traits that the narcissist feels threatened by, such as assertiveness or self-confidence, the narcissist may turn against them. These projections can lead to conflicts and estrangement, as the narcissist accuses the flying monkey of the very behaviors they themselves are displaying.

Abandonment

Narcissists are often fickle in their relationships, and if they perceive their flying monkey as no longer useful or as a threat, they may abandon or discard them without warning. This can happen regardless of the flying monkey's ongoing efforts to support and validate the narcissist.

A Personal Insight on Covert Narcissism

Three years ago, I left an eight-year relationship with a covert narcissist, who was ultimately diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Her flying monkeys were primarily made up of individuals who would offer her validation and attention when she needed it. These individuals included friends and even some family members who had previously been discarded but were now needed to support her schemes.

During the relationship, I did not witness the narcissist directly turn on the flying monkeys to their faces. However, she was very passive-aggressive. Over those years, I observed that she would mostly ignore her flying monkeys until she had a need for them, especially if perceived as needing their attention or if she felt criticized by them. Up until she reached the devaluation and discard stages with me, she had a habit of criticizing them to me, pointing out their flaws and ways she was annoyed with them.

The narcissist also employed subtle forms of triangulation, slanting stories or fabricating facts to both sides, fostering distrust and mutual dislike. After the relationship ended, one of her high school friends, who had given a great deal to the relationship, now recognized the lies and manipulations from her story. When the narcissist attempted to contact her, the friend broke off the friendship, to which the narcissist immediately turned and criticized her.

The experience highlights the importance of recognizing the signs of covert narcissism and the potential consequences for co-dependent individuals. Nobody is immune to a narcissist turning on them, especially if they cause a sense of narcissistic injury. Detaching from such toxic dynamics is essential for maintaining one's mental and emotional health.

Conclusion

While the initial relationship may seem beneficial for the flying monkey, it is likely to become toxic over time. The covert narcissist's need for control and validation can lead to eventual conflict, betrayal, or abandonment of those who support them. It is important for individuals in such dynamics to recognize these patterns and seek healthier relationships. Empowering oneself to recognize and detach from manipulative and toxic behaviors is key to maintaining one's well-being and happiness.