The Struggles of Autistic Self-Hatred and the Path to Self-Acceptance

I spent 47 years being told I was weird, worthless, left out, ghosted, ignored, failing to fully fit in, despite exerting a lot of energy to do so. Having my work stolen, being gaslit, and feeling as if I was exercising in 10 times Earth’s gravity while everyone around me seemed fine and energetic—these experiences were constant throughout my life. I would often wonder why everything felt so incredibly challenging for me while others appeared fine.

Over four decades, I grappled with the questions: Why do I lose friends? Why am I a ‘third wheel’ friend, a spare tire, easily forgotten when someone newer, netter comes along? Did you not like me? Did I make you mad? What happened? Why did me getting sick mean you can’t remember me online? Why is face-to-face interaction or being in public so important? How did you infer that weird idea from what I literally carefully said, I treat you nice if you even speak to me, and excuse a lot of meanness towards me? But I am the one who is forgotten, alone, and left out. Not the people who smile to someone’s face, then gossip behind their backs.

Only recently have I understood that I was not recognized as autistic as a child. Being autistic makes me not fit in. Most of the world cannot think the same way I do; they may not even see the same things I do, or feel the same things as I do.

Perhaps the self-hatred that some autistic people experience is because they believe what the neurotypical brainless (non-autistic) people say about them. It is crucial that we convey to autistic people that they are highly intelligent and gifted.

The Role of Negative Messages

If an autistic person hates themselves, it may be due to being brainwashed by negative messages. Such messages often come from people in their lives who do not understand autism and may lack empathy.

From Childhood to Adulthood

My stepmother constantly conveyed the message that I was defective and no one would ever like me. She said it indirectly most of the time but the most directly she said it was ‘You’re abnormal’, ‘No one will ever marry you,’ and ‘You’ll never be able to hold a job.’

A teacher in third grade nurtured me, and I began to excel, but my stepmother’s response to my improved grades was ‘These are not the grades you earned.’ So, she was saying that the teacher gave me good grades I did not deserve. But she could not have meant that the teacher liked me; she must have meant that the teacher only felt sorry for me. I took the message that the most I could ever hope for was to trick someone into feeling sorry for me.

Understanding and Empathy

It is essential for the neurotypical community to step into the shoes of autistic individuals and understand their experiences. This can be done through education, open conversations, and creating a more inclusive environment. By doing so, we can help autistic individuals develop a positive self-image and recognize their own worth and capabilities.

Acceptance and understanding are key. By providing support and creating an atmosphere of inclusivity, we can help autistic people see their value and break the cycle of self-hatred that has haunted them throughout their lives.

Conclusion

Being autistic is not about fitting in; it's about finding your place in a world that is often challenging and confusing. By working to understand and support autistic individuals, we can help them find the self-love and acceptance they deserve.