The Unexpected Journey to Fatherhood: My Struggles and Dreams

Having children has been a topic that has always evoked a mix of emotions and thoughts within me. For a long time, the idea of parenthood was foreign and something I actively avoided. This is a journey through my past struggles and the surprising realization that I yearn to become a father.

Previous Struggles and a Barrier of Dreams

Back in my younger days, the thought of having a child was a distant dream, one that I dismissed entirely. My personal struggles with depression have been a continuous battle, a challenge that has shaped my identity in ways that are both profound and painful. For you see, I hit puberty and immediately faced a cycle of mood swings and depression that has lasted throughout my adult life, recurring every 28 days. This cycle has been a regular reminder of my struggles, occurring a staggering 13 times every year, and throughout my 58 years, it has manifested over 700 times in total. Suicidal attempts have also been a part of this journey, adding a layer of intensity to my thoughts and actions. These experiences have significantly influenced my decision to never want children. The idea of passing on the pain and suffering that I've endured through generations was something I was not willing to do.

A Transformation in Perspective

It wasn't until I realized the sterility that I faced during a fertility test that my approach to parenthood began to change. The realization that I could not bring life into the world in the traditional sense marked a significant turning point in my life. Yet, with time and introspection, my perspective started to evolve. It dawned on me that life, in its many forms, is about embracing the unexpected and the beautiful moments that come in diverse packages.

Wishing for a Daughter... and a Son

Even with the struggle and pain, I must admit that the thought of becoming a father has become a cherished dream. It’s not just about fulfilling a societal norm, but about the experiences I could have with a child. I’ve often found myself daydreaming about watching my daughter dance and learning piano. These simple and heartfelt pictures have brought a rare sense of joy to the otherwise tumultuous chapter of my life. Similarly, I have harbored a wish for a son, someone I can relate to more on a personal level. With a son, there would be a shared understanding of the challenges and successes that come with life.

Relatability and Shared Parenting

Perhaps the most compelling reason for wanting a child is the opportunity for shared parenting, a chance to understand and guide my son through the same emotional and psychological hurdles I've endured. There are aspects of life that I believe I could connect with and support him better. This shared experience could bring us closer and provide a unique bond that transcends the usual parent-child relationship.

The journey to fatherhood, in my case, is a story of transformation and reevaluation. It's a realization that life, despite its challenges, can still offer moments of hope and joy. My journey from a place of pain and struggle to one of hopeful dreams is not just about the future, but about embracing the beauty in the unexpected.