The Unsolicited Advice Every New Parent Should Hear: What I Wish I Knew Before Sleep Training My Baby

As a new parent, it's easy to feel like you're constantly navigating a sea of advice. The internet is inundated with opinions on how to care for your child, and with every article and social media post, the pressure mounts. However, the most powerful piece of advice I can share comes from personal experience. In this article, I’ll share the lessons I wish I had known before embarking on sleep training my baby, illustrating the importance of flexibility, safety, and what truly works for each unique family unit.

The Misconception: Sleep Training Works for Everyone

Let's start with the truth: sleep training is not a one-size-fits-all solution. My baby seemed to sleep just fine in the hospital. But once we went home, the reality hit. Her usual night-time feedings increased as my milk supply established, and I had to get up more often to attend to her needs. One particularly sleep-deprived night, I inadvertently fell asleep with her in my bed, leaving no barriers between us as the pillows and blankets were out for washing. From then on, she refused to sleep in her crib, much to my dismay.

When it seemed like training techniques might be the answer, we found that the methods didn’t work for our family. If you're going through the same, you're not alone. Sleep training can be incredibly challenging and emotional, especially if you're used to the feeling of nurturing and comfort that naturally comes with co-sleeping. It's crucial to remember that what works for one family may not work for another. Do what feels right for you and your baby.

Resisting the Pressure of “Correct” Parenting

With my first child, the pressure to do everything "correctly" was overwhelming. Smart advertisements and the posts on my mom group’s Facebook page seemed relentless, promoting sleep trainers’ recommendations and schedules that seemed impossible to follow. It was a stark reminder of how new parents often become paranoid about doing something "wrong."

For my son, born in 2017, we ended up with a routine that worked – albeit in unconventional ways. We fed and cuddled him to sleep, put him in his crib completely asleep, and even fell asleep with him on the couch. By two months, he was sleeping a solid eight hours a night, but it wasn’t through any strict routine. We were doing it "wrong," according to the books and ads, but we managed to make it work.

Forms of Sleep Training: A Candid Look

When we decided to try sleep training at around six months, it was already challenging for a mother to hear her baby cry. He didn't understand why our nurturing behavior had changed. We tried various methods, but he wouldn't be soothed. Eventually, one night when he was crying so hard that he vomited, it was a sign that we needed to stop imposing methods that didn’t work for him. We stopped relying on books and instead prioritized our own sense of what was right for our family.

We began to accept that my son’s needs were different from the prescribed routines in books. We stopped fighting over naps and allowed him to nap on the floor if needed. We embraced a more flexible approach to sleep, understanding that he needed comfort and would often go to sleep by himself once he was comfortable. We gave up on the idea of an early bedtime and instead focused on a routine that felt natural for our family. This shift brought us back to enjoying our time together again.

Retention of Comfort: Adapting to Growing Needs

My son is now 3.5 years old and typically goes to bed around 9 p.m. Sometimes later; if circumstances are rocky, like when his dad works away, he may need to sleep with me for comfort. This approach has worked for us. While he still loves his blanket, he now sleeps with a pile of stuffed animals. He still puts himself to sleep, and he quit napping at around 1.5 years old without any fights over it. He is smart and stubborn, and he’s a perfect example of how a flexible approach to sleep training can work.

My daughter, born in 2020, has never been formally sleep trained. She cuddles to sleep and typically goes to bed at 8:30 p.m. She easily transitions from cuddling for naps to falling asleep alone in her crib. She sleeps through the night unless teething causes discomfort. We’ve found that this approach works well for our family, and we have no plans to change it.

Conclusion: Trust Your Instincts and Prioritize Safety

Every family and every child are unique. What worked for us might not work for you. Trust your instincts and prioritize what feels right for your family. If you're under pressure to follow strict guidelines, take a step back and remember that safety is always the top priority. Ease up on the pressure and focus on finding a routine that works for both you and your baby. You’re already doing an incredible job as a parent, and the most important thing is to respond to the needs of your child in the most loving and nurturing way possible.