Understanding and Communicating Effectively with an Adult with ADD/ADHD: Strategies for Positive Interaction

Effective communication is a challenge many adults with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) face, especially when faced with situations that might be triggering or demanding. ADD/ADHD individuals often have a lifetime of dealing with criticism and being the "scapegoat," making them particularly sensitive to defensive reactions. Yet, as with everyone, a gentle and strategic approach can foster understanding and cooperation.

Understanding the Context

ADHD individuals have a history of being criticized and having their past mistakes used against them. Even after diagnosis, societal stigma may still manifest. Teachers, for instance, might be more likely to doubt a child's diagnosis if the behavior is similar to those unamed. This pattern often extends to adulthood, where hyperfocus issues can contribute to misunderstandings and conflicts. Thus, when an adult with ADD/ADHD becomes defensive, it may be considered a natural reaction to a lifetime of criticism.

Strategies for Effective Communication

Start with a Positive Acknowledgment

Begin any conversation about an issue with a positive affirmation that highlights the individual’s strengths or positive traits. For example, a boss might start by praising a valued employee, and a partner could thank the other for something they appreciate. This sets a positive tone and helps the individual feel appreciated before discussing constructive feedback.

Example - You are a really valued member of the team I got a great comment about your work from a client the other day.

Avoid Accusatory Language

Instead of phrasing criticism in an accusatory way, frame it in a cooperative manner that aligns with a shared goal. Emphasize the mutual desire to improve things together. For instance:

Boss: When we approach issues with a collaborative mindset, we can work together to find better solutions. Recently, a client praised your work, highlighting the value you bring to our team. However, I have noticed instances where, due to the dynamic nature of conversations, you might miss out on a bit of the discussion. How about we establish a non-verbal signal to help you know when it might be time to share a point to avoid being interrupted?

Carefully Manage Repetition and Self-Defensive Responses

Some individuals with ADD/ADHD might unintentionally repeat themselves as they forget the point they were making. Addressing this requires tact. Avoid insulting their intelligence by repeating the same criticism over and over. Simply state your point and what you expect in the future, then smoothly transition to a neutral topic. For instance:

Individual: Hey, I've noticed that sometimes you get really into a discussion and forget to share the talk time; would you like a nonverbal signal to help you know when I want to talk so you can finish your point without being interrupted? Great, I can rest my hand on my head when I want to talk, then. What should we plan for dinner tonight – chicken or hamburger?

Show respect, and the individual is more likely to handle the situation with less defensiveness. Be gently persuasive, and you'll achieve better results. For instance, if you remind them of their sensitivity, they might interpret it as dismissive rather than helpful. A typical adult with ADD/ADHD has heard about four times as much negative feedback as an average child, so even when positive, they might still expect the worst. Recognizing and lessening this defensiveness can lead to more productive conversations and better cooperation.

Conclusion: Effective communication with an adult with ADD/ADHD requires careful consideration and strategic approaches. By starting with positive acknowledgments, avoiding accusatory language, and managing repetitive patterns, you can foster a more positive and cooperative environment. Through gentle persuasion and understanding, you can help mitigate the defensive reactions that may arise from a lifetime of criticism.